WHAT ……. is Driving Miss Daisy???
Driving past the fast and the furious,
Ambition racing down the fast lane,
“She loves me!!! She loves me not!!!”
The constant musings of the smitten and the curious,
“Are things moving too fast?”
Avoiding rejection and the big bouquet,
“My heart can’t take the pain.”,
Navigating the Turnpikes,
The tolls can break you and make you crazy,
“She never uses turn signals.”, I explain to the Officer,
And he says, “Roses are red.
My light bar is blue.
This citation is a small price to pay,
………to find out WHAT is really Driving Miss Daisy!!!!”
The Winter Solstice
Baby, it’s cold outside,
Look out! …..I’m coming in,
Still married and crazy after all these years,
Time for some lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’,
Glory, Hallelujah!!! – so thankful it’s not a sin;
It’s always here and now, my friend,
It ain’t once upon a time,
It’s all over but the shouting,
And I’ve come to take what’s mine!
The slow hand going under cover,
Extending reach till we breach her levee,
Around the globe goes Magellan,
My five fingered Freddy stealthy and at the ready to rediscover,
Taking a chance,
Talking ’bout romance or some kicks like you ain’t ever seen,
Holding on tight with all our might,
As we do the dance – a riotous routine:
Squeezing my treasure, she’s more precious than rubies,
The Tango of my cold hands and her hot boobies,
And, after three elbows and a yell,
A wise hubby can shrewdly tell – it’s time to retreat,
Because she is getting really mad and a fourth advance will likely end…
…….. with hot lead and cold feet!!!!!!!
Don’t Cut the Blue Wire!!!!!
And God said, “It’s not good for the man to be alone.”
So, He took a rib and threw us a bone,
She is fearfully and wonderfully made,
Far more precious than jewels,
Equipped with looks like Kryptonite,
Turning Einsteins and Supermen into weak babbling fools.
Just a bunch of JJ Walkers screaming and drooling for more of that DIN-O-MITE!!!
We constantly forget that the “weaker sex”,
Is far more sophisticated and infinitely more complex,
And, you had best heed her warnings telling you, “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
She comes fully equipped with an emotional powersource,
It requires a steady hand and fastidious force,
Tread lightly around that Bouncin’ Betty,
Keeping defenses up and apologies at the ready,
Hormones balance on a Mercury switch,
One false move could set her off,
Best eliminate the jerk and reflexive twitch,
Try to defuse the situation,
Cut the wire and pull the detonator,
A most intense game of Operation,
Where the stakes couldn’t be any higher,
Coming in smooth and precise with the snips,
Careful to avoid any missteps or slips;
There……. nice and easy does it……
You’re doing just fine…..
Almost got it……..ok…… on the count of three:
1……… 2 ………
Wait! What are you doing!!!
You don’t cut the blue wire!!!
For the love of God, man, …..YOU NEVER CUT THE BLUE WIRE!!!!!!!
UBIQUITOUS GAZE (She’s Got Ubiquitous Thighs!!!)
Enter the Pious Pioneer,
Venturing into Venerable Service,
I was a Devout friend and Disciple,
With nothing in the world to fear,
But, then I saw something that made me nervous:
I was living on a Prayer,
Holding on to the Holy Book,
Trying my Noble best not to Gawk and Stare,
But it’s just no use to Avert your Eyes,
The Golden Bronze Glow follows everywhere I Go,
Enchanted and hypnotized – I had to steal another Look,
Lord, have Mercy!!! She’s got Ubiquitous Thighs!!!!!
Ohhh, She’s got Legs,
They keep on following me,
No matter how I try to keep my distance,
They keep Testing my Resistance,
Her Long Stalking Legs just won’t let me be!!!
Behold, the Reverential Pilgrim,
Regarding the Righteous Days,
Always steadfast and ready,
Sure and confident that I could never be Fazed,
But then came the Dame in that Sun Dress,
And I stood Dumbstruck and ever Amazed;
I was living on a Prayer,
Holding on to the Holy Book,
Trying my level best not to Gawk and Stare,
But it’s just no use to Avert your Eyes,
That Golden bronze Glow follows everywhere you Go,
Enchanted and hypnotized – you’ll soon steal another Look,
Lord have Mercy!!! ….Look Out!!! ……She’s got Ubiquitous Thighs!!!!
Ever been in Church or somewhere “sacred” and a lady wearing an accentuating wardrobe catches your eye and you struggle to keep your focus where it should be? Seems to be a cross section that most of us have stumbled into a time or two. Lord have mercy!!! Thankfully, He always does. = 7
Left Lobe Lovers (Sensual Intelligence)
To the Heart – it’s Logical,
Not overly Thoughtful,
But we like to Pump up the Atrial Analytics,
Ignoring selfish Intuition,
She is the Object of my Objective Affections;
This creation of our Cranial confections,
We defer to our Biology,
Defying modern conventions of Psycho – Psychology,
Other folks can keep the shrink,
She keeps blowing me kisses,
Giving me that crooked smile and a wink;
Living life to the Foolest,
Others think we’re out of our Right Freakin’ Minds,
We sojourn without fear,
A fantastic voyage with Unimaginable finds,
Faith, Hope, and Love transcend to a higher Hemisphere,
There’s Even Flow through the open valves,
Traveling up a Vertebral vase carrying long Stem roses,
Passing through the Unbroken Circle,
She consents as this Cerebral Cupid proposes;
Getting lost on the Matrimonial Road Trip,
We never forget to consult the Map,
Occasionally, she may insist that I stop and ask for Directions,
And I gladly oblige her,
As long as she’s willing to let me give her …….another Spinal Tap!!!
The BLUE PLATE Special
Smokestack Woman,
Hot of Body,
Cold of Heart,
Siren Seduction woven into every fiber of her Art,
Fin Fatale,
Bombshell in every curve and scale,
Surely there must be,
Plenty of other Fish in the Sea,
-But no other with such alluring efficacy;
For Love of Tender Loin,
Chasing after the Voluptuous Tail of Woes,
And so it is,
And so the Pathos always goes:
Another Swordfish unwittingly surrenders
By way of constrictive Vow
To descend into a life of Involuntary Celibacy.
CARE BEARS
She Bear,
Cause She bares,
ALL the Wee bears,
And She really, really Cares a lot!
The She Bear,
Turns into a Werebear,
An always aware bear,
Ever wonder where bear?
She will be a right there bear,
Because She really, REALLY Cares a lot!!
So, just beware,
If you dare,
Try to impair Cub or Lair,
Best prepare for brutal Warfare,
To be throttled and left threadbare,
In need of mending and bodily repair,
Because She REALLY, REALLY does Care a LOT!!!
She Bear,
A Fair bear,
With Grizzly flair,
In tooth, nail, and hair bear,
Primping what she wears,
So He Bear stops and stares,
Pursues with Purrs and Prayers,
Hoping that they Share and become a Bear Pair,
Because He REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DOES CARE A LOT!!!!!
ChrysoLucypis Ballquitus (The Lucy Bird)
Ethel bourbon, Lucille whine,
Sour stomping grapes,
Vitameatavegamin –
Just a spoon full of sugar
And a day at the Chocolate Factory,
Manufacturing laughs and narrow escapes;
A day in the Life,
Time and Seasons fly right by,
All good things shall come,
But Wisdom is the hardest to come by,
Inadvertently accompanying Fred and Ricky to the Fight,
Loving, Hugging, Squeezing,
After sparring with her man;
At least once – every guy is entitled to fall in Love with a gorgeous Redhead.
But if your Wife isn’t a Ginger you just might have to
…….’Splain that if you can!!!
FEAST YOUR EYES (It’s a Monster!!!)
Drop dead legs
Put a smile on my face,
Push ups, garters, and bikini briefs,
Love to see them
Dressed in satin and lace;
Consuming thoughts like seductive thieves,
Its better to move on, Better to make haste,
Lest your Lust Overindulge
After convincing yourself
That a peep is just a little Taste;
Prolonged meditiation will surely materialize,
Reanimating the sleeping Monster
Whenever you idle ……. and Feast Your Eyes.
The Feline Fighter
Oh, behold the dangers of courting a crazy Cat Woman,
Normally I’d say I have better sense,
But this time I just couldn’t help myself,
She rubbed against my leg and started to purr,
She showed me her Top Shelf and knocked off my last defense;
She was finer than Pfeiffer,
Dressed in leather and lace,
She had a Newmar body and a Halle Berry face;
Sure enough I was smitten,
She was smoking – I was carrying the torch,
Love bites,
Lord help me! I was twice bitten,
I kissed her and said, “Goodnight.”
Unaware of the ensuing Cat Fight,
The Dodge City Disturbance that was about to go down
Out on the Front Porch;
I was surrounded by Terrible Toms,
Harassed by Hair-Raising Heathcliffs,
Bearing Tooth, Fang, and Claw,
I said, “Hang on, Hetfield,
We’re about to Killem’ All!!!”
Then I proceeded to turn them Fur Babies into Stiffs:
Stepped into the Lion’s Den,
I turned the Cheshire into a Snagglepuss,
Gave it the axe and a crooked grin,
Hello Kitty, say hello to my little friend – machine gun gat,
Singing, “Rat a tat-tat!
Take that and that, you bad ol’ Putty Tat!!!”
Strictly strychnine lacing Garfield’s Lasagna,
Got the Tiger by the Tail,
Put him in the blender and gave him a whirl,
With top out of rubber and a bottom out of springs,
It took a while for my smoothie to be spun,
Thank goodness – He was the only one!
I tuna canned poor Tommy
O’Malley never should have gone down that darkened alley;
I’m swinging Nine Tails and wearing Bloody Fleeces,
Threw Felix and Mr. Jinks in the woodchipper
Cause I hate them Tabbys to pieces,
I let Krinklebine make a wish,
Put Thing 1 and Thing 2 back in the box,
Then I took Grimalkin’s Hat
And stabbed him with that articulating fish;
I was surrounded by Terrible Toms,
Harassed by Hair-Raising Heathcliffs,
Bearing Tooth, Fang, and Claw,
I said, “Hang on, Hetfield,
We’re about to Killem’ All!!!”
Cause I’m proficient at turning Fur Babies into Stiffs!
Fighting through flying Fur and wading through pools of Blood,
It all may seem gruesome and cruel,
But a Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do
To be with his Thelma Lou and make her his Wife,
Making a Meow massacre out of a Calico Duel,
Proving once and for all
That this Deputy is a Stud,
Take it from this modern day Barney Fife,
The fastest way to Win a Woman’s heart and to Kill a Cat is to…
…….. NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!!!!!!!
Ecclesiastes
Vanity! Vanity!
Oh, the Humanity!!!
Abra Cadabra, the Magic is done
When there’s nothing new left under the sun,
She left the Orchard
When I started chasing other Gazelles for fun;
Sunrise, sunset,
Must have been a total eclipse of the Heart,
Phhuuwwweeeeeeet – Phheeeww!!!
The Wind don’t whistle any more,
Kept circling back to the start
Till we forgot what we were whirling for;
A rolling stone gathers no moss,
Won one thousand wives,
Took the Winnings at a Loss,
Eyes like daggers, teeth like knives
Leaves me singing along with Mick Jagger’s
“Can’t Get No Satisfaction!”
Used to sing the Song of Songs
Till we broke the Cardinal Rules of Trust and Attraction;
Got monumental towers,
Limitless treasures and unparalleled powers,
Blessed with Wisdom and dressed like the flowers,
But you’re the only thing I want and adore,
Now I’m quoting 1 Corinthians 7:4,
“You’re the only one, Baby,
That can make my Heart stir!”
To which she bats her Eyes,
Strutting as she passes by,
She smiles and gives a coy reply,
“Perhaps you might want to reconsider your polygamous stunt.
Here is a Word to the Wise:
If you want this Pussy to Purr,
Your Rover better remember where to Hunt!”
HOT WIFE (She’s Dressed in Layers)
She’s dressed in Layers,
Cover from the Winter Snow,
She’s dressed in Layers,
Insulated from the Arctic Flow;
She’s dressed in Stares,
Admirers all around,
Covered by Stares
From star-crossed Lovers She will never even know;
She’s dressed in Prayers,
I Bless Her every day,
She is Adorned,
She is Adored,
She is Worshiped ….and I Pray:
I get to peel those mysterious Layers away
– Radiating a Feverish Heat;
Soon thereafter, summoning another Flurry
To come in a hurry
With high Hopes she will Relayer
And then………… We Repeat!!!
T and A (Her Best Attributes)
When it comes to my wife
I’m proud to say
That I love her for her T and A;
Before you rush to judgement
About what that constitutes
Let me show you
Some of her finer attributes:
Tantalizing and Adorable,
Tender and Accessible,
Trust and Affection,
Time and Attention,
Truthful and Authentic,
Talented and Articulate,
Tenacious and Adventurous,
Teasing and Appeasing;
So there is my telltale tally of traits
-Just to name a few,
Oh! And in case I didn’t mention it
……. She’s super hot and sexy too!!!
Risky Business
Welcome to the Battlefield,
The Theater of your life
You choose Comedy or Strategy
by acts of Diplomacy
or running under the Gun and Knife;
Its a Risky Business
Capturing Continents and Hearts,
Best pray that your Cruise doesn’t ever lose control
Charging into costly Conquests
Chasing after Crystal Eggs
and all those other Precious Parts:
– Cash for the Soft Goods
– Cash for the Fancy Goods
Even though you don’t know the Territory,
The Piper will eventually get paid
but not until the Band has marched and played,
So take your turn and finish the story;
Roll the Dice, Cut the Cards,
Take a Chance, beat the odds, and go for Glory
Securing World Domination
With Roman Numerals guarding the Privies
Where you secretly Dance and Sing
Wearing only your Ray-Bans and your Skivvies.
UNSUNG HEROES (Housewives and Mothers)
BEHOLD, the understated beauty of a Starling;
Ms. Marvel marvels
At just how marvelous you are, Darling!
Growing Green Acres wise
Let us sing your praise
In chorus of adoration
Join together flocks of your feather
In gratitude and harmonious murmuration
As we take to the skies;
BEHOLD, the strength of a mighty Oak;
Squirrel girls go slightly nuts
As they covet and count the rings
Watching every Cupule
The branch gently cuddles,
The leaf soothes and sings
Keeping the Acorns with the Tree
Till they’re ready for the bird and the bee;
BEHOLD; the persistent patience of a River:
Super Girl thinks you are super fly,
Even with X-ray visions and fantastic force
She knows she can’t begin to do
All that you do
Streaming through your daily course,
And you do so swell
So….well, she doesn’t even try
To compete with the streams that run and flow
Going together they grow and multiply;
BEHOLD, the enduring wisdom of a Mountain;
Wonder Woman stares and wonders:
How many storms have you weathered?
How many distant horizons have you seen?
You catch the Wind and touch the Sky
How are you content being tethered
Without complaint or ever asking, “Why?”
BEHOLD, that little Suzy Homemaker;
Rosie is riveted,
Holding the line while building a nation
Dutifully working and earning her checks
But ever mindful and always paying her Respects
To the Family Caretaker
Sustaining Tradition and raising our Future.
Wilson’s Dirty Bird of Paradise (It’s Getting Late)
In the hills of Indonesia
Lives a frisky little bird
That aims to please ya;
A debonair Duke of dating
Who puts on an elaborate display
For his special Lady in waiting;
Capped with crown of blue,
Donning feathery drape of vermilion cape,
And embellished with Emerald shield
To hold influence and sway
While proposing Matrimonial mating
Or, at least a Royal screw
For his darling Damsel to finally yield;
But in a LAND OF A 1,000 DANCES
This regal Romeo is getting tired trying to entice
And has to humbly admit,
“If you make me wait till IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR,
I’m afraid I’ll only be good for
One MONEY shot and TWO PICKETTS TO PARADISE
Before I’ll have to quit!!!
= >
Roundabouts and Just Abouts
I’ve just about
figured out
the roundabout way
to roughly say
how much I love you
though it be nigh impossible
because the words essentially falter
to effectively express feelings audible
– like sputtering horseshoes and hand grenades;
Your ballpark figures are practically prime
-close enough to consummate
and relatively refined with affinity and time,
bordering on the brink of absolute beauty
-you are my ideal
amorous woman of alluring appeal
and while I contemplate
with nomadic need to navigate
your roundabouts and just abouts
so seductive and sweet,
I rapture in the discovery and the capture
as our roundabouts and just abouts come together
and we venture forth…….. perfectly complete.
For my wonderful, beautiful bride, Amanda – I find you all the more engaging and enticing with each passing year. You are, indeed, precious to me!!! = >
Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
babbling Brook
Babbling Brook
will babble on for days,
conversing and discoursing without end
with whispers and trickles
that teases and tickles
the ear;
and she never stops talking
to see if her audience
can comprehend or hear.
Randy likes
to stop by and stare,
not really listening to what she says
because he doesn’t really care;
he just likes to look
at Brook
because he likes the way
her wavy hair
flows past her shoulders
and over her boulders;
and he can’t help but think,
“If that girl didn’t talk sooo much
……..I might ask her for a drink!”
The Manic Minstrel 