THANKLESS JOBS
I’ve done many a thankless jobs,
Many a thankless tasks,
Meeting her every need,
Whatever she requests, no matter what she asks:
Climbing mountain peeks,
Swimming rivers deep,
Special orders in the drive thru lines,
Scrubbing dirty pots and pans,
Turning lemons into Cabernet wines,
Changing diapers, cleaning pools,
Maintaining the rage for order when kids and relatives are acting like fools;
I’ve done many a thankless job,
Wading through the minutia of what we call living,
Knowing that sometimes there’s nothing to receive,
No matter what we may be giving,
But……. sometimes she thanks me!!!
She didn’t have to thank me,
But SHE DID!!!! YES, SHE DID!!!!!
And, she knows just how to start my engine,
She knows how to make my motor purr!!!
She didn’t have to pull my dipstick,
She didn’t have to change my oil,
……..but SHE DID!!!!!!!
And I thank her!!!
Only the RhinoSHEros Knows How to Tame the Horny Beast…..
Dreadnought the Juggernaut,
His heavy shadow cast across the plains,
They all behold the behemoth,
Consider the colossus, his figure looming large;
Right and weary of this unstoppable force,
None can withstand once he begins to charge,
From Lion Pride to Pachyderm,
The wise will rise and move in reverential fear,
For no one can tame or subdue him,
……….. Except the frisky She-Hulk that nibbles and whispers sweet nothings into his worn and tattered ear.
The Winter Solstice
Baby, it’s cold outside,
Look out! …..I’m coming in,
Still married and crazy after all these years,
Time for some lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’,
Glory, Hallelujah!!! – so thankful it’s not a sin;
It’s always here and now, my friend,
It ain’t once upon a time,
It’s all over but the shouting,
And I’ve come to take what’s mine!
The slow hand going under cover,
Extending reach till we breach her levee,
Around the globe goes Magellan,
My five fingered Freddy stealthy and at the ready to rediscover,
Taking a chance,
Talking ’bout romance or some kicks like you ain’t ever seen,
Holding on tight with all our might,
As we do the dance – a riotous routine:
Squeezing my treasure, she’s more precious than rubies,
The Tango of my cold hands and her hot boobies,
And, after three elbows and a yell,
A wise hubby can shrewdly tell – it’s time to retreat,
Because she is getting really mad and a fourth advance will likely end…
…….. with hot lead and cold feet!!!!!!!
Don’t Cut the Blue Wire!!!!!
And God said, “It’s not good for the man to be alone.”
So, He took a rib and threw us a bone,
She is fearfully and wonderfully made,
Far more precious than jewels,
Equipped with looks like Kryptonite,
Turning Einsteins and Supermen into weak babbling fools.
Just a bunch of JJ Walkers screaming and drooling for more of that DIN-O-MITE!!!
We constantly forget that the “weaker sex”,
Is far more sophisticated and infinitely more complex,
And, you had best heed her warnings telling you, “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
She comes fully equipped with an emotional powersource,
It requires a steady hand and fastidious force,
Tread lightly around that Bouncin’ Betty,
Keeping defenses up and apologies at the ready,
Hormones balance on a Mercury switch,
One false move could set her off,
Best eliminate the jerk and reflexive twitch,
Try to defuse the situation,
Cut the wire and pull the detonator,
A most intense game of Operation,
Where the stakes couldn’t be any higher,
Coming in smooth and precise with the snips,
Careful to avoid any missteps or slips;
There……. nice and easy does it……
You’re doing just fine…..
Almost got it……..ok…… on the count of three:
1……… 2 ………
Wait! What are you doing!!!
You don’t cut the blue wire!!!
For the love of God, man, …..YOU NEVER CUT THE BLUE WIRE!!!!!!!
“How Did I Get In This Position?”
I know what you’re thinking,
And, yes – that is what she said,
Or asked, really;
One hundred and two stories up,
Where the wind is brisk and chilly;
You might be thinking a damsel in distress,
But she’s just a tiny dancer in my hand,
No need for National Guard or aerial pursuit,
All attempts to foil my plan will be squashed and thwarted,
I’m holding on to this antenna,
So, to get to my point – any hostilities would just be futile and moot;
Might as well strike up the band,
Honey, put on that party dress!
Here, I’m the King and you’re my Queen,
Ready to dance, dance, ….dance the night away,
Right and able to swing to and fro,
Didn’t really ask for an audience,
But, “What the zoot!!!”
Let’s give ’em a show;
She said, “Okay, but before we begin,
I really must ask once again:
How did I get in this position?”
To which I responded, “Baby, you oughta know,
It takes two to Tango!!!”
All that being said,
My Acrophobia is setting in,
And I’m getting a touch of the vertigo,
Because I don’t like heights higher than my head,
So, here am I:
Clutching my trophy wife,
Clinging to the Empire spire,
Holding on for dear life,
Grunting and growling, “How did I get in this position?”
To which my bitty Bride replied,
“How many times do I have to remind you???!!
This is what happens when you eat spicy foods right before going to bed!!!!!”
Left Lobe Lovers (Sensual Intelligence)
To the Heart – it’s Logical,
Not overly Thoughtful,
But we like to Pump up the Atrial Analytics,
Ignoring selfish Intuition,
She is the Object of my Objective Affections;
This creation of our Cranial confections,
We defer to our Biology,
Defying modern conventions of Psycho – Psychology,
Other folks can keep the shrink,
She keeps blowing me kisses,
Giving me that crooked smile and a wink;
Living life to the Foolest,
Others think we’re out of our Right Freakin’ Minds,
We sojourn without fear,
A fantastic voyage with Unimaginable finds,
Faith, Hope, and Love transcend to a higher Hemisphere,
There’s Even Flow through the open valves,
Traveling up a Vertebral vase carrying long Stem roses,
Passing through the Unbroken Circle,
She consents as this Cerebral Cupid proposes;
Getting lost on the Matrimonial Road Trip,
We never forget to consult the Map,
Occasionally, she may insist that I stop and ask for Directions,
And I gladly oblige her,
As long as she’s willing to let me give her …….another Spinal Tap!!!
She LOVES Me!!!
She Loves Me!
Love, Love me Do!
You know I Love You,
So please, please, Baby Please
….. Love Me Too!
Love Me Two Times,
Love me Today,
Her Breeze passes over,
And I’m Blown Away!
She Loves Me!
Love me Again,
She Picked me in my Youth,
Pistilwhipped by Pollination,
Telling the Sepal Truth,
It’s a congenial Test of Stamena,
Culminating in an Intoxicating summation:
She Loves Me!
She Plucks my Petals off,
The Prince of the Valley, King of the Field,
Has lost his Crown,
Reduced to Stem and Shield,
Making Ecclesiastic proclamations,
“Vanity! All is Vanity!!!”
All other Blooms hear me shout,
Rejoicing in the Profanity,
“She Loves Me! She Loves Me!!!”
And they do not doubt,
That She has Loved me,
For it is quite Obvious that She has Loved me,
And I have Loved her,
Again and Again and Again,
And I have Loved her So Much
That She keeps on Pluck, Pluck, Plucking,
Until She has Plucked All of my Brains Out!!!!!!
ChrysoLucypis Ballquitus (The Lucy Bird)
Ethel bourbon, Lucille whine,
Sour stomping grapes,
Vitameatavegamin –
Just a spoon full of sugar
And a day at the Chocolate Factory,
Manufacturing laughs and narrow escapes;
A day in the Life,
Time and Seasons fly right by,
All good things shall come,
But Wisdom is the hardest to come by,
Inadvertently accompanying Fred and Ricky to the Fight,
Loving, Hugging, Squeezing,
After sparring with her man;
At least once – every guy is entitled to fall in Love with a gorgeous Redhead.
But if your Wife isn’t a Ginger you just might have to
…….’Splain that if you can!!!
Ecclesiastes
Vanity! Vanity!
Oh, the Humanity!!!
Abra Cadabra, the Magic is done
When there’s nothing new left under the sun,
She left the Orchard
When I started chasing other Gazelles for fun;
Sunrise, sunset,
Must have been a total eclipse of the Heart,
Phhuuwwweeeeeeet – Phheeeww!!!
The Wind don’t whistle any more,
Kept circling back to the start
Till we forgot what we were whirling for;
A rolling stone gathers no moss,
Won one thousand wives,
Took the Winnings at a Loss,
Eyes like daggers, teeth like knives
Leaves me singing along with Mick Jagger’s
“Can’t Get No Satisfaction!”
Used to sing the Song of Songs
Till we broke the Cardinal Rules of Trust and Attraction;
Got monumental towers,
Limitless treasures and unparalleled powers,
Blessed with Wisdom and dressed like the flowers,
But you’re the only thing I want and adore,
Now I’m quoting 1 Corinthians 7:4,
“You’re the only one, Baby,
That can make my Heart stir!”
To which she bats her Eyes,
Strutting as she passes by,
She smiles and gives a coy reply,
“Perhaps you might want to reconsider your polygamous stunt.
Here is a Word to the Wise:
If you want this Pussy to Purr,
Your Rover better remember where to Hunt!”
HOT WIFE (She’s Dressed in Layers)
She’s dressed in Layers,
Cover from the Winter Snow,
She’s dressed in Layers,
Insulated from the Arctic Flow;
She’s dressed in Stares,
Admirers all around,
Covered by Stares
From star-crossed Lovers She will never even know;
She’s dressed in Prayers,
I Bless Her every day,
She is Adorned,
She is Adored,
She is Worshiped ….and I Pray:
I get to peel those mysterious Layers away
– Radiating a Feverish Heat;
Soon thereafter, summoning another Flurry
To come in a hurry
With high Hopes she will Relayer
And then…………Â Â We Repeat!!!
PET PEEVES (Our first Fight)
You’ve Goat to be Sheeping me!
Who the Duck wants another Frog?!!!
What the Hare were you Tortoise?
Horse Salamander can Cow be?!!!
Guinea a Snake!
Donkey dare throw Cat in my Ferret!!!Â
Oh, you Bunny believe Pig!
Why Chicken Llama go?
IGUANA POODLE!!!!
GOLDFISH YOURSELF!!!!
Oooooh …..Chinchilla!
Watch your Mouse when you’re talking Puppy!!!
You’re Rooster; I’m sooo Canary.
Tarantula Gecko.
Turtle Bee.
Hermit Crab Hedgehog, I Cockatoo!!!!
MACAW!!! ….You’re so Parakeet! I Cockateil too!!!
Dog Molly, ……..go ahead and Guppy a Pug.
Thankfully we’ve never had such a fight; but if she tries to get another dog we just might. = D
TAKEN
Can I Take you to the movies,
Take you to the show,
Take you to sunny beaches,
A cozy cottage nestled in the snow;
Can I Take you to the ends of Romantic reaches,
Take it nice and easy – steady as we Go;
Can I Take you in my Arms
– Holding tight, holding fast,
Holding onto every Moment,
The Future is Present cast;
Can I Take you as my Wife
– “I DO!!!” Infinite,
Within the Covenant Garden
The Tree of Life is Planted,
Can I Take you Always and Forever,
Take you each and every day,
Can I Promise to Take you each and every Way
As long as I NEVER ….. ..Take you for Granted.
FACE VALUE (Diamond Girl)
Mysterious Treasure
Sparkling in Sapphire Eyes,
Ruby Lips shimmer and reveal
A Million Dollar Smile,
Perfect lines trace along Ivory Skin
Bronzed by the Sun,
Countless Golden Flakes left by Heaven’s Kiss,
Framed and fancied Tresses of Satin and Silk
Cascading down;
The Sum is worth
More than its Parts:
The capacity to turn Heads
And the Power of Stealing Hearts.
T and A (Her Best Attributes)
When it comes to my wife
I’m proud to say
That I love her for her T and A;
Before you rush to judgement
About what that constitutes
Let me show you
Some of her finer attributes:
Tantalizing and Adorable,
Tender and Accessible,
Trust and Affection,
Time and Attention,
Truthful and Authentic,
Talented and Articulate,
Tenacious and Adventurous,
Teasing and Appeasing;
So there is my telltale tally of traits
-Just to name a few,
Oh! And in case I didn’t mention it
……. She’s super hot and sexy too!!!
Henpecked Henry Reconsiders Matrimony
Henpecked Henry reconsiders Matrimony;
“Is it merely sacrificing sanity
For the sake of sanctimony?
Was it worth the waiting
Through the courtship and all the dating?
Is it worth all the effort and the work
To massage and woo her into the mood for mating?
Is it worth the bickering banter and berating?
Preening and pampering her peach-faced beak
To keep her complexion rosy?
Always having to adjust the thermostat
To keep her content and cozy?
Trying to keep the loud and constant chirper chipper
Lest she turn into a relentlessly nagging nipper?”
He knows that as she gets older
She’ll start stuffing her rump*
To retain her curves and keep her tail feathers pleasantly plump,
Right well he knows that every spring
She’ll be nesting for days – continuously fussing over the Clutch**;
“Is it worth it? daily he asks
And, invariably he answers, “YES!”
Because he’s a Sucker for the Witch ….and he loves her so darn much!!!
For those that may not already know:
* The peach-faced lovebird tucks nesting material in the feathers of its rump
**A clutch of eggs is the group of eggs
Two thoughts here: 1.Be careful choosing your mate(its supposed to be for a lifetime)2.Love is a choice – not always easy, but very simple. =>
UNSUNG HEROES (Housewives and Mothers)
BEHOLD, the understated beauty of a Starling;
Ms. Marvel marvels
At just how marvelous you are, Darling!
Growing Green Acres wise
Let us sing your praise
In chorus of adoration
Join together flocks of your feather
In gratitude and harmonious murmuration
As we take to the skies;
BEHOLD, the strength of a mighty Oak;
Squirrel girls go slightly nuts
As they covet and count the rings
Watching every Cupule
The branch gently cuddles,
The leaf soothes and sings
Keeping the Acorns with the Tree
Till they’re ready for the bird and the bee;
BEHOLD; the persistent patience of a River:
Super Girl thinks you are super fly,
Even with X-ray visions and fantastic force
She knows she can’t begin to do
All that you do
Streaming through your daily course,
And you do so swell
So….well, she doesn’t even try
To compete with the streams that run and flow
Going together they grow and multiply;
BEHOLD, the enduring wisdom of a Mountain;
Wonder Woman stares and wonders:
How many storms have you weathered?
How many distant horizons have you seen?
You catch the Wind and touch the Sky
How are you content being tethered
Without complaint or ever asking, “Why?”
BEHOLD, that little Suzy Homemaker;
Rosie is riveted,
Holding the line while building a nation
Dutifully working and earning her checks
But ever mindful and always paying her Respects
To the Family Caretaker
Sustaining Tradition and raising our Future.
the ther*MOM*eter (for a smoking wife and a red hot mama)
She’s checking temperatures
she’s checking times
She rises like mercury
full of surprises and nursery rhymes
She gages giggles and grief
she gages moods and attitudes
Her hugs and kisses bring the sweet relief
altering optimistic altitudes
Whenever she walks in
everyone says, “Aaaaaaahhh!”
She shines like the sun
and the ice wears thin
making those polar caps start to thaw and run
She sings the seasons
with vibe and vibrato
and the kids dress for her reasons
including….”because I said so!”
Just a spoonful of her sugar
helps the medicine go down
“Bottoms up!”
I give the toast
and take another dose
thankful her cure is in my cup
and I can’t let that sacred elixir hit the ground
She makes me warm for her form
measuring by degrees,
A servant of her sensor
she soothes my Celsius
as I ignite her Fahrenheit
with her sitting just as pretty
as I please.
Wang Dang Sweet Spoon Tang
The following post is intended for adult audiences.
Hot little Queen
that tastes so sweet;
morning, noon, or night
– she’s my favorite treat;
the only one
that can quench my thirst
and whet my appetite.
Wang Dang Sweet Spoon Tang
– the only meal
guaranteed to end with a bang!!!
God created sex, and He intended for it to be a lot of fun!!! Obviously, He wisely gave us the marriage covenant and some commandments to follow as well; as long as we abide by His rules and principles we should be able to enjoy the wonderful splendor of physical love.
…….All that said, I couldn’t resist giving thanks by paying homage to the female form with this fun little tribute to Ted Nugent’s classic song. Some might consider it dirty; we just call it a really raunchy love song! Cheers and Godspeed!!! = >
The Manic Minstrel 